How Do I Get Someone to Go to Counseling?

What do you do when you are worried about someone you care about? You've tried everything you can to be supportive, but you know they need more help than you can provide. How do you convince them to get counseling? How do you make sure they go and work on what's important? What do you do if you are worried about safety?* This will likely not get resolved in one conversation. It may take several for them to see what you are worried about or to believe that there is a problem.

Here are some general tips for how to bring up the subject of counseling with someone you care about:

• Avoid labels - Labels create defensiveness. They result in emotional reactions and derail your conversation. Labels turn a show of support and concern into a debate. Simply tell them that you are worried about them and you want to help.
  

• Focus on observations - What have you noticed that you are worried about? Instead of, "You have an alcohol problem" or "You are depressed" state how you feel and what you've seen. Stick to the facts. Those are harder to deny and debate. "I'm worried about you" hits different than "Something is wrong with you." "You haven't been to class all week and you haven't responded to my texts." "You seem sad and we haven't hung out in a month." "You yelled at me yesterday and I'm not sure what I did wrong." This can help in two ways. It lets them know that you notice something is different and that you care. It also may be new information to them. They might think they are holding everything together fine and that no one notices, or they may not be aware of how much these issues are impacting those around them. Either way, it's good information.
  

• Refocus - It is ridiculously easy for a well intentioned conversation to get sidetracked by a defensive or dismissive response. Instead of talking about the actual issue, it turns it into an argument. "Well, you're not perfect either." "The only reason I yelled at you was because you didn't..." "You've yelled at me before" "I don't drink as much so and so, he's the one with the real problem." Refocus on the actual issue "That might be true, but I want to talk about it. I'm worried." "We can make time to discuss that later but for now, let's focus on what happened yesterday."
  

• Offer support - "What's going on? Let's talk about it." Listen to them and be there for support. You can't solve someone's depression or anxiety. You aren't going to solve all their problems by giving a lot of advice. You can't erase their grief by saying a magical phrase. You don't have to fix them. You don't have to get them to stop crying or make them feel better. You just need to be there with them in a difficult moment and be supportive.
  

• Explicitly mention counseling - Don't make assumptions that they know what you are talking about if you say you think they need to get some help. They may misinterpret what you are suggesting. They might think you mean medication or something else. Ask them gently but directly if they have considered counseling. Are they talking to a clinician? Have they tried counseling before? Are they willing to try it now?
  

• Offer assistance - If you are able and willing, offer what you can. Most people won't have a specific request if you say something like, "Let me know what you need." They may not know what they want or need until they hear it. They may not know what you are willing to do unless you offer some options. If you aren't able to offer something tangible, you might be able to offer something different, "Call me afterwards and let me know how it went." Here are some examples.

  • Can I call around and see who is accepting new clients?

  • Do you want to look at some clinician profiles together and see if it sounds like someone you want to talk to?

  • Do you want me to be there when you call?

  • Can I drive you there and wait for you to finish - maybe we could grab lunch afterward?
    

• Healthy boundaries - Determine what your capacity is and what you do and don't want regarding the situation. You may know someone needs counseling, but that isn't an excuse for you to have to tolerate inappropriate or abusive behaviors. Someone may need more than you are capable of offering or something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Refocus on what is possible, "I can't do that, but I can give you a list of folks accepting new clients who take your insurance." You may have to set a boundary that is uncomfortable, "If we go out tonight, I don't want you to drink." "I'm not going to bring the kids over until we get this house cleaned up." This isn't a punishment or trying to control someone. It is your conditions for participating in whatever is happening.

Outside of some very limited circumstances where safety is involved, you can't force someone to participate in counseling even if everyone involved in their life can tell that they need it. All you can do is focus on if and when you bring it up, how you say it, and what you can control about how you navigate the situation.

If you, or someone you know, get benefit from counseling, complete our Contact Us form to schedule your free 20-minute consultation.

*This post is too short to adequately cover safety and emergency related issues, so please review our "How Do I Support Someone Who is Suicidal?" article if you are worried about safety.